Friday, December 20, 2013

Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone?

I am no longer gainfully employed. Today is my first day on the other side. I'm now in the wilderness of unemployment land and, to be honest, am struggling with the reality of it. It was my choice to go and I went with my eyes wide open, planning some time as a free agent. But goddamit I feel like I've lost something now, and it feels a little like grief.

We're always told to find work you love, then it won't seem like work at all. My work was pretty bloody close. Many years ago I had a career wheeling and dealing in the stockmarkets of Sydney and London. I always felt empty from it - what were we making? What were we contributing? Nothing real, nothing but changes to the value of pieces of paper. So when that came to an end, I felt relief. I felt I'd been given a chance for another pick of the board. And I picked a career that made my heart sing. I picked conservation, the beauty of nature and the vast open plains.  I now realise that I've been exceptionally lucky to make a living out of something that burns deep within my soul. So WTF? What am I doing? Why am I now in unemployment wilderness?

When the chance to take a break was offered, I figured it was too good to pass up. I figured I'd take this time to reassess my choices. I'd taken redundancies before and it had always worked out for me - always been what I needed to shake things up. This time it feels different. Admittedly I'm only one day in, but already I'm thinking that I was on a good path, that the work I've been doing is important and the people I've worked with feel like my kin. But better than kin, more aligned.

So, I am taking a break, and I am spending time with my lively boys who have been clambering for some attention. But I reckon, instead of turning and changing, this time maybe (if I'm blessed) I'll just pick back up and go in the same direction. And that's a reassuring notion.  I've already found my path, I've already met my tribe.