The processing of my inner-grrrrrrr

Today I'm cranky. My whole body is abuzz with crankiness. A bunch of things have happened that are culminating today in - well, just in 'grrrr!'. I won't go into the causes, but now I have to decide what to do about it.

Mostly I feel like having a gigantic adult tantrum and throwing stuff. I feel like firing off angry emails. I feel like burning bridges. I feel like it's my turn to be angry and self-indulgent. To make other people walk on egg-shells around me. But I know that's not really going to solve anything. And isn't a good look to the kids ('mummy wants you guys to learn to control your tempers, but don't watch while I let a whole wolf-pack of aggro off the leash').

Another option is to just keep my head low, ride it out and maybe the grrr will just pass. The problem with that option is that I'm on a knife-edge all day and any little thing could send me postal. That's not a good way to spend the day.

So what else? I often find writing helps me process, it's a way of letting go of whatever's in my head, so that's why I've turned to this blog. Welcome to the processing of my inner-grrr.

Here's how it's going: all the little and big things that are getting my goat have already happened, and can't un-happen. So, when I look at it with open eyes (and try to do it with an open heart), all I can really do is change my reaction to those things. Right now I'm still too cross and don't feel like opening my heart; but I'm going to take a deep breath (or 10, or 100 - the way I'm feeling it might take 100) and start by letting go of as much of the grrr as I can.

So if step one is to breathe. Step two is to let go of the reigns a little. Today I'm going to say 'yes, sure, why not?' when the kids ask for little things, things I would normally disallow: 'yeah, sure, you can watch TV today, have another ice-block, stay in your PJs all day. Why the hell not, hey? Let's all stay in our PJs today'.

Step three (and I'm working this out as I go) is to say 'no' a little. That sounds contradictory to step two, but it depends on what the questions are. If people are asking more from me than I feel I can give, today I'm going to say 'no, I'm sorry but I can't right now'. This feels like it stops the slings and arrows from coming in over my fortress walls. These three steps are already helping me feel a little lighter.

Step four: I really want to take some time to look at the stuff that got me to this point. Who knows, maybe I can learn a little. I'm not going to do that here, publicly, but I am going to pull out my diary and write it all down. I'm going to have a good ole rant. I don't know why it feels better to write it out, maybe it just gets it out of my head a little. And I feel like someone is listening: me. And that's all that really matters.

Step five: I'm giving myself permission to feel low today. Not every day can be an up day and I think it's important to be realistic about that. Is it possible that we are so pummelled with images of an ideal world, of happy, happy, joy, joy (in advertising and all around us), that we feel like we're not doing it right when the happy, happy isn't happening for us? We can't be up all the time - the up would loose it's up-ness without a down every so often.

So, the verdict is a bit of breathing, riding it out, processing, having a PJ day, saying yes and saying no, and letting that all be ok.

Ahhhh, I'm feeling a little better already - thank you blogosphere.